*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
man i love columbo
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.