@MichaelJErhart

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

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@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

@jonnysun

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

@SketchesbyBoze

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

@RealDMK

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

@Holy_Mowgli

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@TragicAllyHere

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

@Marlebean

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken