*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
want me to check your oil?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The symmetry is uncanny.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.