*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.