*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…