*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
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*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way