*checks Timeline*…
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
spot the difference
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer