Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh