*checks Timeline*…

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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.


*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”


Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.



Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*


Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.


ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic


Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.


I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol


They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”