@noog
@sara_ashlynn My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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@sara_ashlynn 
@dogfather *walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
@Shariv67 Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
@briancthayer [Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
@usedwigs Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
@adamgreattweet ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
@GreenishDuck Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
@AbbyHasIssues I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
@DartsBofficial “Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
@YoungNobler They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”