*checks Timeline*…
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Smooooooth
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
the three branches of government
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.