@noog

*checks Timeline*…

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@sara_ashlynn

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

@dogfather

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

@Shariv67

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@adamgreattweet

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

@GreenishDuck

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

@AbbyHasIssues

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

@DartsBofficial

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”