*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
What is going on? 😅
Double negatives are never not confusing.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.