*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her