Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
You Might Also Like
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Lassie, get help!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
#merica
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?