Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
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I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.