Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me