Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
😂😂😂
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up