[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When I laugh on my period
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.