Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Lube but for my dry humor.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook