@Stap_Jr

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

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@MadHatterMommy

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

@UncleDuke1969

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

@LurkAtHomeMom

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

@TheIronSherk

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

@lisaxy424

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

@jackiembouvier

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.