Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Parts of a worm:
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.