Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Still cracks me up
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll