Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”