Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
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[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.