Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
me logging onto twitter
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
no cat here
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.