Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
May have had one breakfast too many
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses