@Professor_Ryan
@OhNoSheTwitnt “I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@OddMarc Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
@hardasamother Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
@JimmerThatisAll Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
@RowdyBowden In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
@Donna_McCoy “I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
@Smooheed I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
@trevso_electric The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
@shanethevein I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
@Rich_McCarthy Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.