Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”




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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.


Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.


In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.


“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.


I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills


The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.