@Professor_Ryan

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

@JimmerThatisAll

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

@RowdyBowden

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

@Donna_McCoy

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

@Smooheed

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

@trevso_electric

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@Rich_McCarthy

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.