Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.