Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Boom, boom, ching!
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
So the ex texted me
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks