@noneofyours99 How to woo a woman
@MrFornicator Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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@noneofyours99 
@caithuls ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
@KentWGraham For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
@john_osborn The booster protects against what, now?
@greek_heanen No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
@njlitigator Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
@markydoodoo Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
@TheAlexNevil *I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
@TheBoydP If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
@subtweetopath Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me