Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

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ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho


For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.


No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom


Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??


Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.


*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?


Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me