@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

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@caithuls

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

@KentWGraham

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

@greek_heanen

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

@TheAlexNevil

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@subtweetopath

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me