@robdelaney “Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
@MrFornicator Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
You Might Also Like
@robdelaney 
@GreenishDuck Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
@Cassfullofjoy If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
@taps0420 I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
@SondraDeeMe I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
@imence2 I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
@chairkeyre 
@bridger_w “Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
@onume_ Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
@tastefactory Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?