@osigat I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
@MrFornicator Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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@osigat 
@torrami I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
@MacAnnabella I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
@JefeJK47 Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
@Cherbearxo Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
@daemonic3 [campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
@JoshDenny Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
@bboven If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
@SpacePlankton Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
@FavoritesYou Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!