@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

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@robdelaney

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@taps0420

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

@bridger_w

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

@onume_

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.