[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My favorite farside!!
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.