Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
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Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Can you say your strengths?
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.