Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
goldfish mafia
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
When you’ve simply given up.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit