Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.