Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.