Chicago sounds lovely.
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[eulogy]
line?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.