[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The internet is full of many things
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.