Chicken bread
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.