Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
$4 #usedbooks
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.