Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home