Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.