Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.