*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
ready to be harvested
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?