Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
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At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬