“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Blew out my flip flop…
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child