“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
the official breakfast of 2021
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting