“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.