Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?