Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.