Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Just how popey was the pope today?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’