chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My five year plan is a meteorite
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
This is my emotional support knife.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Ovenable?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.