*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.