[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza