CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
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Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
White Castle for the Win
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye