Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Facebook memories be like
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
nice challenge
We decided to have money instead of children.
new record!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”