Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….