Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
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Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs