Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
