Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Oh deer
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book