Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
never deleting this app.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes